Madness In My Method

This morning I got on the scale to see what it said. It said, "Get off of me."

Actually, it said that I weigh 16 pounds less than the very most I have ever weighed in my entire life (which was about three months ago). That's the number I'm starting with so that I get complete and total credit for any and all efforts I have made to this point to lose weight. I won't tell you that number, I'll just wait and let you do the math when I have lost as much weight as I would like to. Actually, maybe I'll hold a contest to see if people can guess my top number, sort of like guessing how many M&M's are in a jar. On second thought, that's probably not a very good idea. I would eat the M&M's before the contest was over.

Upon finding out that I really have to lose weight, one of the first questions people have asked me is how I plan to do it. People generally assume that because I am so large, I must have unsuccessfully tried every commercial diet, fat pill, and exercise gizmo available and that maybe now I've discovered the golden ticket. Au contraire (and don't be fooled by the French...I hate the French...). I am suspicious of every single weight loss method put out there and I have eschewed all of them (I'm delighted to use the word "eschewed" in a sentence, especially about weight loss, because it has the word "chew" in it).

Except one. Moderation.

Several years ago, after the birth of one of my many children, I approached my OB/GYN about getting a magic pill because as I told him, I had tried really hard and I wasn't losing any weight. He told me I must not be trying hard enough because he had never seen a fat person in a concentration camp. At the time, Fen-Phen was all the rage so imagine my excitement when he whipped out his prescription pad and started scribbling. This was going to be so easy! It's a good thing I read the prescription before I took it to the pharmacy, though, because this is what he had scribbled:     D&C 89.  

(For those of you who are not members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, D&C in this instance does not stand for the gynecological procedure "dilation and curettage." It is an abbreviation for Doctrine & Covenants, a modern-day book of scripture containing revelation from God to the prophet Joseph Smith and section 89 is a revelation regarding physical health. That confusion with the medical procedure explains why I am a long-time fanatic about referring to the book by it's full, non-abbreviated name.)

I kid you not. My MD was prescribing scripture. Quick translation - he was prescribing moderation in all things (although that phrase is not used specifically in the scripture), the only consistently successful weight-loss method he knew of as a medical professional.

So no magic pills.  Fen-Phen was later proved to damage heart muscle and I have been especially suspicious of every other method besides moderation since that time. I did consider HCG, but it is a pregnancy hormone, after all, and with my luck, the shots would have made me pregnant.

My current doctor recommended lap-band surgery but there are several things that keep me from doing that: 1) expense (that kind of money will buy a LOT of chocolate); 2) fear of surgery and the possible complications; 3) I know too many people who have gained all their weight back after the surgery so if it isn't a permanent fix, I don't really want it; and 4) (and this is probably the most compelling reason for me) it would make me ineligible to be a People Magazine cover story in their annual "Half Their Size" issue. It could happen...

Please understand that I am not knocking anybody for whatever method they may choose to achieve and maintain a healthy weight. Everybody is different and different things work for different people. I just know what does and doesn't work for me so while I appreciate all of the love that has been expressed to me by way of offers of the best way to go about this, my issues go far deeper and I'm hoping that as I remember how I got to where I am, I'll figure out the best way to get to where I need to be.

In the past, if I had told my father I had lost 16 pounds, he would have replied, "Look behind you, you'll find it." And if he were still here I would tell him, "That's exactly what I'm trying to do, Dad. Put those pounds behind me."