Today was weigh-in and apparently skinny mom should have been screaming at fat mom a little more - net gain of 3 pounds. After reevaluating the pros and cons of last week, here is the game plan for the week (as opposed to my usual gut reaction to say to he** with it) -
1) Limit carbonation to no more than 20 oz. per day to cut down on bloat.
2) Avoid onion blossoms.
3) Buy a pass to Sand Hollow Aquatic.
4) Stretch every day.
5) Cease getting rid of bad foods in the house by getting rid of them in my mouth (thank you Rodger).
6) Ramp up the biking at least one extra day this week.
7) Commit to weightwatchers.com because if Charles Barkley can do it, I can do it.
8) Work on my rebounds.
I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.....
Monday, January 30, 2012
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Fat Mom/Skinny Mom
Back in the day when Roseanne Barr was still funny (and that was a LONG time ago so some of you may have to Google it), I watched a stand-up routine she did where she talked about the benefits of having a fat mom versus a skinny mom. To paraphrase, she asked what kind of a mom you want when you're depressed - a skinny mom who invites you to join them on a run so that it will release adrenaline in your blood and relieve your stress, or a fat mom who says, "Well, lets have pudding, Oreos and marshmallows. When you wake up from that sugar coma, it'll be a brand new week." I speak from experience that Oreos work every time.
That said, it's the sugar comas that are forcing me to rethink my parenting style. I do believe that the skinny mom solution does have it's place, but I HATE running (plus the whole knee issue). The challenge, as always, is to find the balance, and possibly an alternative adrenaline-inducing activity that doesn't involve running. Thanks to my youngest daughter's mini-crisis this past week, I was able to try out a new "trying-to-be-less-of-a-fat-mom" approach by combining elements of both philosophies.
A couple of days ago, I got a phone call from my adorable, happy, outgoing, hard-working, self-sufficient, incredibly bright daughter (these adjectives easily describe both of my daughters on earth, but I'm talking about the one who worked so hard this year we got five W2s for her). She was clearly upset by some events of the week that hadn't turned out the way she expected (hmmm...like mother, like daughter...) and it was causing her to rethink her entire life as opposed to just addressing the issues at hand (hmmm...like mother, like daughter...).
My gut reaction was to panic because the entire state of Utah lies between us and I could not do what I wanted to do most - give her a hug and some chocolate. So I ate a few (and I'm sincere when I say "a few") milk chocolate almonds on her behalf and talked her into taking a much needed nap before making any big decisions (she works full-time, goes to school while paying for all of it herself, and almost completely supports herself, so a nap seemed way more helpful than a run...).
I don't remember what life was like before cell phones and I don't ever want to go back to that time because at the very least, she was able to call me while I was at work and we got to electronically talk it out a little. That said, no amount of phone talking, texting, Facebooking, or even Skyping can compensate for some face-to-face time so I was grateful when my husband agreed that we needed to make a quick trip up there.
As I've mentioned before, my emotions have a tendency to get the best of me (something I hope and pray is tempered a bit in my children) and food is my coping mechanism, but I managed to make it through the night drowning my anxiety in some baked tortilla chips with salsa and about six pieces of fruit. Now that's progress.
Thanks to the blessing of flight benefits, we were able to jump on our trusty steed (disguised as a regional jet) and meet her for dinner the next night. We had hoped to talk things out on a long walk afterward so that I could incorporate this trip into the goal of my blog, but if you've ever been to Cache Valley in January, long walks outside are not optimum if you don't want to freeze-burn your lungs. So we talked at the restaurant where I took care to substitute my usual side selection of butter-with-a-little-baked-potato for the steamed veggies and a salad with dressing on the side. Admittedly, there was an onion blossom involved, and while I tried to avoid it entirely, I did allow myself a few bites. Baby steps.
We did discuss the possibility of "cleaning the sink" at Angie's, a local favorite (this involves two bananas, six mounds of ice cream, three different toppings, whipped cream, nuts, cherries, and a bumper sticker if you eat the whole thing) but in a show of utmost restraint (so I thought), we opted instead to just get some Aggie Blue Mint ice cream at the grocery store and take it back to the hotel.
This was all well and good until I finished the small bowl that my daughter dished out for me. This was not ice cream...this was nothing short of crack cocaine for someone who can't remember the last time she had REAL ice cream, not the fake stuff on a stick that has 100 calories or less. Thankfully, my daughter was paying attention when I grabbed the carton and started eating it right from the source. In a moment I'm not proud of, she pried the half-gallon from my cold, stiff grip while yelling, "No, Mom! Not one last cigarette!" That broke the spell.
It was then that I did the unthinkable. I drew from the playbook of the skinny mom and suggested we go to the fitness center before we hit the biggest indoor pool in Logan, conveniently located at the Holiday Inn Express (you're welcome, HIE). My daughter, who has been running regularly, was all for it and had brought her workout clothes. I hadn't packed mine because we were originally going to go for a walk and all I needed for that was my street clothes and walking shoes. This is where being a fearless fatty comes in handy because I just put on my swimsuit, my swimsuit cover-up and my walking shoes with footie socks and headed to the fitness center.
Thankfully, it was directly across the hall from our room, so I avoided subjecting the general public to that visual. Unfortunately, I was not so lucky, because the fitness center sports a wall of mirrors making it virtually impossible to avoid looking at reality. And reality at my age and weight is pretty intense in a wall-length mirror. But we did it. She ran on the treadmill (I was super impressed) while I did my best on the elliptical (in the absence of a bike). She booked through two miles but I had to stop occasionally for sips of water from the fountain because I was overheating from the cover-up I had on and I was not fearless enough to lose the cover-up and do this in just my swimsuit. Beaches and swimming pools, yes. Ellipticals with shoes and socks, no. It was a decent workout, with a BIG finish in the oh-so-awesome swimming pool where I completely forgot I even had knees. I had to admit, skinny moms do have a point.
In the end, there was a moderate adoption of both philosophies - a little bit of fried food, ice cream and chocolate, and a little bit of adrenaline-inducing exercise. Add to that a good night's sleep and a father's blessing for my daughter and we're both ready to face a new week.
There may be something to this moderation thing.
That said, it's the sugar comas that are forcing me to rethink my parenting style. I do believe that the skinny mom solution does have it's place, but I HATE running (plus the whole knee issue). The challenge, as always, is to find the balance, and possibly an alternative adrenaline-inducing activity that doesn't involve running. Thanks to my youngest daughter's mini-crisis this past week, I was able to try out a new "trying-to-be-less-of-a-fat-mom" approach by combining elements of both philosophies.
A couple of days ago, I got a phone call from my adorable, happy, outgoing, hard-working, self-sufficient, incredibly bright daughter (these adjectives easily describe both of my daughters on earth, but I'm talking about the one who worked so hard this year we got five W2s for her). She was clearly upset by some events of the week that hadn't turned out the way she expected (hmmm...like mother, like daughter...) and it was causing her to rethink her entire life as opposed to just addressing the issues at hand (hmmm...like mother, like daughter...).
My gut reaction was to panic because the entire state of Utah lies between us and I could not do what I wanted to do most - give her a hug and some chocolate. So I ate a few (and I'm sincere when I say "a few") milk chocolate almonds on her behalf and talked her into taking a much needed nap before making any big decisions (she works full-time, goes to school while paying for all of it herself, and almost completely supports herself, so a nap seemed way more helpful than a run...).
I don't remember what life was like before cell phones and I don't ever want to go back to that time because at the very least, she was able to call me while I was at work and we got to electronically talk it out a little. That said, no amount of phone talking, texting, Facebooking, or even Skyping can compensate for some face-to-face time so I was grateful when my husband agreed that we needed to make a quick trip up there.
As I've mentioned before, my emotions have a tendency to get the best of me (something I hope and pray is tempered a bit in my children) and food is my coping mechanism, but I managed to make it through the night drowning my anxiety in some baked tortilla chips with salsa and about six pieces of fruit. Now that's progress.
Thanks to the blessing of flight benefits, we were able to jump on our trusty steed (disguised as a regional jet) and meet her for dinner the next night. We had hoped to talk things out on a long walk afterward so that I could incorporate this trip into the goal of my blog, but if you've ever been to Cache Valley in January, long walks outside are not optimum if you don't want to freeze-burn your lungs. So we talked at the restaurant where I took care to substitute my usual side selection of butter-with-a-little-baked-potato for the steamed veggies and a salad with dressing on the side. Admittedly, there was an onion blossom involved, and while I tried to avoid it entirely, I did allow myself a few bites. Baby steps.
We did discuss the possibility of "cleaning the sink" at Angie's, a local favorite (this involves two bananas, six mounds of ice cream, three different toppings, whipped cream, nuts, cherries, and a bumper sticker if you eat the whole thing) but in a show of utmost restraint (so I thought), we opted instead to just get some Aggie Blue Mint ice cream at the grocery store and take it back to the hotel.
This was all well and good until I finished the small bowl that my daughter dished out for me. This was not ice cream...this was nothing short of crack cocaine for someone who can't remember the last time she had REAL ice cream, not the fake stuff on a stick that has 100 calories or less. Thankfully, my daughter was paying attention when I grabbed the carton and started eating it right from the source. In a moment I'm not proud of, she pried the half-gallon from my cold, stiff grip while yelling, "No, Mom! Not one last cigarette!" That broke the spell.
It was then that I did the unthinkable. I drew from the playbook of the skinny mom and suggested we go to the fitness center before we hit the biggest indoor pool in Logan, conveniently located at the Holiday Inn Express (you're welcome, HIE). My daughter, who has been running regularly, was all for it and had brought her workout clothes. I hadn't packed mine because we were originally going to go for a walk and all I needed for that was my street clothes and walking shoes. This is where being a fearless fatty comes in handy because I just put on my swimsuit, my swimsuit cover-up and my walking shoes with footie socks and headed to the fitness center.
Thankfully, it was directly across the hall from our room, so I avoided subjecting the general public to that visual. Unfortunately, I was not so lucky, because the fitness center sports a wall of mirrors making it virtually impossible to avoid looking at reality. And reality at my age and weight is pretty intense in a wall-length mirror. But we did it. She ran on the treadmill (I was super impressed) while I did my best on the elliptical (in the absence of a bike). She booked through two miles but I had to stop occasionally for sips of water from the fountain because I was overheating from the cover-up I had on and I was not fearless enough to lose the cover-up and do this in just my swimsuit. Beaches and swimming pools, yes. Ellipticals with shoes and socks, no. It was a decent workout, with a BIG finish in the oh-so-awesome swimming pool where I completely forgot I even had knees. I had to admit, skinny moms do have a point.
In the end, there was a moderate adoption of both philosophies - a little bit of fried food, ice cream and chocolate, and a little bit of adrenaline-inducing exercise. Add to that a good night's sleep and a father's blessing for my daughter and we're both ready to face a new week.
There may be something to this moderation thing.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
The Disorders of Eating
The overwhelming reality of this quest is starting to set in and to be honest with you, I'm feeling quite small right now (figuratively, of course...but not my figure...you get the point). The sheer number of what I am up against has overshadowed my thoughts over the last couple of days, especially now that I know so many of you are watching me with your beady little eyes (loving and supportive beady little eyes, of course, but nonetheless...).
Looking at this from a poundage standpoint, I essentially have to lose 140 of those suckers to put me at what I consider a healthy weight for a muscular me (although insurance guidelines say I have about 200 pounds to lose and that just ain't gonna happen). When you put 140 pounds into more visual terms, that's like losing the equivalent of either two supermodels, one average teenager, or twenty newborn babies. Somehow I can't see duct-taping twenty newborns to a skinny person and getting my body, but that's how it plays out.
When an anorexic looks in the mirror, this is what she sees:
When I look in the mirror, this is what I see:
Except she has more hair.
To a non-delusional person, this would seem ridiculous. I think it's obvious that I'm delusional. I used to call myself a reverse anorexic until I Googled to see if that was an actual disorder and it turns out, according to the indisputable medical expertise of Wikipedia, it is a very real condition and I don't meet the criteria. (I also diagnosed myself as being partially bulimic - I binge, but I don't purge.) The disparity between Britney and myself is a bit skewed, but suffice it to say, I have a twisted perception of how "big" of an issue I really have.
Basically what it boils down to is that I have truly come to discover that I have an eating disorder, no less severe than Amy Winehouse (they wanna make me go to rehab but I say no, no, no), but more along the lines of Oprah Winfrey (although no one gets a car). To tell someone like me I just need to eat less is like telling an anorexic they just need to eat more, or a bulemic that they just need to hold it in. It's a bit more complex than that. But at the same time, there's no point in making it any more difficult than it needs to be.
I wish it were that easy.
Looking at this from a poundage standpoint, I essentially have to lose 140 of those suckers to put me at what I consider a healthy weight for a muscular me (although insurance guidelines say I have about 200 pounds to lose and that just ain't gonna happen). When you put 140 pounds into more visual terms, that's like losing the equivalent of either two supermodels, one average teenager, or twenty newborn babies. Somehow I can't see duct-taping twenty newborns to a skinny person and getting my body, but that's how it plays out.
When an anorexic looks in the mirror, this is what she sees:
To a non-delusional person, this would seem ridiculous. I think it's obvious that I'm delusional. I used to call myself a reverse anorexic until I Googled to see if that was an actual disorder and it turns out, according to the indisputable medical expertise of Wikipedia, it is a very real condition and I don't meet the criteria. (I also diagnosed myself as being partially bulimic - I binge, but I don't purge.) The disparity between Britney and myself is a bit skewed, but suffice it to say, I have a twisted perception of how "big" of an issue I really have.
Basically what it boils down to is that I have truly come to discover that I have an eating disorder, no less severe than Amy Winehouse (they wanna make me go to rehab but I say no, no, no), but more along the lines of Oprah Winfrey (although no one gets a car). To tell someone like me I just need to eat less is like telling an anorexic they just need to eat more, or a bulemic that they just need to hold it in. It's a bit more complex than that. But at the same time, there's no point in making it any more difficult than it needs to be.
I wish it were that easy.
Monday, January 23, 2012
Madness In My Method
This morning I got on the scale to see what it said. It said, "Get off of me."
Actually, it said that I weigh 16 pounds less than the very most I have ever weighed in my entire life (which was about three months ago). That's the number I'm starting with so that I get complete and total credit for any and all efforts I have made to this point to lose weight. I won't tell you that number, I'll just wait and let you do the math when I have lost as much weight as I would like to. Actually, maybe I'll hold a contest to see if people can guess my top number, sort of like guessing how many M&M's are in a jar. On second thought, that's probably not a very good idea. I would eat the M&M's before the contest was over.
Upon finding out that I really have to lose weight, one of the first questions people have asked me is how I plan to do it. People generally assume that because I am so large, I must have unsuccessfully tried every commercial diet, fat pill, and exercise gizmo available and that maybe now I've discovered the golden ticket. Au contraire (and don't be fooled by the French...I hate the French...). I am suspicious of every single weight loss method put out there and I have eschewed all of them (I'm delighted to use the word "eschewed" in a sentence, especially about weight loss, because it has the word "chew" in it).
Except one. Moderation.
Several years ago, after the birth of one of my many children, I approached my OB/GYN about getting a magic pill because as I told him, I had tried really hard and I wasn't losing any weight. He told me I must not be trying hard enough because he had never seen a fat person in a concentration camp. At the time, Fen-Phen was all the rage so imagine my excitement when he whipped out his prescription pad and started scribbling. This was going to be so easy! It's a good thing I read the prescription before I took it to the pharmacy, though, because this is what he had scribbled: D&C 89.
(For those of you who are not members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, D&C in this instance does not stand for the gynecological procedure "dilation and curettage." It is an abbreviation for Doctrine & Covenants, a modern-day book of scripture containing revelation from God to the prophet Joseph Smith and section 89 is a revelation regarding physical health. That confusion with the medical procedure explains why I am a long-time fanatic about referring to the book by it's full, non-abbreviated name.)
I kid you not. My MD was prescribing scripture. Quick translation - he was prescribing moderation in all things (although that phrase is not used specifically in the scripture), the only consistently successful weight-loss method he knew of as a medical professional.
So no magic pills. Fen-Phen was later proved to damage heart muscle and I have been especially suspicious of every other method besides moderation since that time. I did consider HCG, but it is a pregnancy hormone, after all, and with my luck, the shots would have made me pregnant.
My current doctor recommended lap-band surgery but there are several things that keep me from doing that: 1) expense (that kind of money will buy a LOT of chocolate); 2) fear of surgery and the possible complications; 3) I know too many people who have gained all their weight back after the surgery so if it isn't a permanent fix, I don't really want it; and 4) (and this is probably the most compelling reason for me) it would make me ineligible to be a People Magazine cover story in their annual "Half Their Size" issue. It could happen...
Please understand that I am not knocking anybody for whatever method they may choose to achieve and maintain a healthy weight. Everybody is different and different things work for different people. I just know what does and doesn't work for me so while I appreciate all of the love that has been expressed to me by way of offers of the best way to go about this, my issues go far deeper and I'm hoping that as I remember how I got to where I am, I'll figure out the best way to get to where I need to be.
In the past, if I had told my father I had lost 16 pounds, he would have replied, "Look behind you, you'll find it." And if he were still here I would tell him, "That's exactly what I'm trying to do, Dad. Put those pounds behind me."
Actually, it said that I weigh 16 pounds less than the very most I have ever weighed in my entire life (which was about three months ago). That's the number I'm starting with so that I get complete and total credit for any and all efforts I have made to this point to lose weight. I won't tell you that number, I'll just wait and let you do the math when I have lost as much weight as I would like to. Actually, maybe I'll hold a contest to see if people can guess my top number, sort of like guessing how many M&M's are in a jar. On second thought, that's probably not a very good idea. I would eat the M&M's before the contest was over.
Upon finding out that I really have to lose weight, one of the first questions people have asked me is how I plan to do it. People generally assume that because I am so large, I must have unsuccessfully tried every commercial diet, fat pill, and exercise gizmo available and that maybe now I've discovered the golden ticket. Au contraire (and don't be fooled by the French...I hate the French...). I am suspicious of every single weight loss method put out there and I have eschewed all of them (I'm delighted to use the word "eschewed" in a sentence, especially about weight loss, because it has the word "chew" in it).
Except one. Moderation.
Several years ago, after the birth of one of my many children, I approached my OB/GYN about getting a magic pill because as I told him, I had tried really hard and I wasn't losing any weight. He told me I must not be trying hard enough because he had never seen a fat person in a concentration camp. At the time, Fen-Phen was all the rage so imagine my excitement when he whipped out his prescription pad and started scribbling. This was going to be so easy! It's a good thing I read the prescription before I took it to the pharmacy, though, because this is what he had scribbled: D&C 89.
(For those of you who are not members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, D&C in this instance does not stand for the gynecological procedure "dilation and curettage." It is an abbreviation for Doctrine & Covenants, a modern-day book of scripture containing revelation from God to the prophet Joseph Smith and section 89 is a revelation regarding physical health. That confusion with the medical procedure explains why I am a long-time fanatic about referring to the book by it's full, non-abbreviated name.)
I kid you not. My MD was prescribing scripture. Quick translation - he was prescribing moderation in all things (although that phrase is not used specifically in the scripture), the only consistently successful weight-loss method he knew of as a medical professional.
So no magic pills. Fen-Phen was later proved to damage heart muscle and I have been especially suspicious of every other method besides moderation since that time. I did consider HCG, but it is a pregnancy hormone, after all, and with my luck, the shots would have made me pregnant.
My current doctor recommended lap-band surgery but there are several things that keep me from doing that: 1) expense (that kind of money will buy a LOT of chocolate); 2) fear of surgery and the possible complications; 3) I know too many people who have gained all their weight back after the surgery so if it isn't a permanent fix, I don't really want it; and 4) (and this is probably the most compelling reason for me) it would make me ineligible to be a People Magazine cover story in their annual "Half Their Size" issue. It could happen...
Please understand that I am not knocking anybody for whatever method they may choose to achieve and maintain a healthy weight. Everybody is different and different things work for different people. I just know what does and doesn't work for me so while I appreciate all of the love that has been expressed to me by way of offers of the best way to go about this, my issues go far deeper and I'm hoping that as I remember how I got to where I am, I'll figure out the best way to get to where I need to be.
In the past, if I had told my father I had lost 16 pounds, he would have replied, "Look behind you, you'll find it." And if he were still here I would tell him, "That's exactly what I'm trying to do, Dad. Put those pounds behind me."
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Reality Check
"What screws us up most in life is the picture in our head of how it's supposed to be."
That statement, pretty much, more than anything else I can think of, explains why I am overweight. I have Fairy Tale Syndrome. I'm not sure if that's an official condition recognized by psychiatrists, but it should be because I have it and I have it bad.
I was born five miles south of Disneyland and from the beginning, I have believed that Mickey and his princesses had it right - that if we believed in the magic and did what was right, we would live happily ever after. It's true, there are moments and glimpses of my life when it seemed I was in the Happiest Place on Earth, but there are an inordinate amount of other times when what I had pictured in my head of the way it was "supposed to be" was nothing like the reality.
I don't think I'm very unique in that respect. I think it's part of the growing and maturing process. It's just that some do it better than others and everybody uses a different coping mechanism when the reality is completely different than the vision. For me, I think it's safe to say that my coping mechanism is, and always has been, food.
We did not have a lot of money growing up. We always had a home, we always had enough clothes to keep us covered, and no matter how tight money got, we always had plenty of food. Good food. My mother was an outstanding cook and just writing this makes me wish she would make me some glace or soupy potatoes right now. She could make a feast out of nothing, a gift she did not pass on, much to my husband's disappointment. Food is good, food is safe, and food is comforting. Food can solve anything and everything.
So food is my addiction. Being overweight is not socially acceptable, but food and eating is. It also is a basic need for survival. Try as I might to empathize with drug or alcohol addicts, I really can't because you don't need those to survive. When you get together with family, you eat. When you get together with friends, you eat. When you have social events at church or at work, you eat. I think you get the idea - I eat.
And that's why I'm where I'm at. I've had lots of experiences in life that have not matched the picture in my head and my response to make me feel better has always been to go to the one thing that makes me feel better every time (at least temporarily) - food. Unfortunately, I've never been comforted by celery or broccoli so when the recognition comes that change is necessary, the fix is only temporary. The challenge for me, and I'm confident it is the same challenge for many others, is to find other coping mechanisms and the mature part of me feels like I can make that happen.
But just like everything else, the picture in my head of the way that is going to happen is already turning out to be a lot different than the reality. My attempts at becoming a world-class biker or race walker have already been met with disappointment. I was pretty snarky about my walking to church being more than just a resolution for the new year and I was going to show all of those drivers I was better than that. Thanks to the knee, that won't be happening.
It's usually at about this point that I decide that my efforts are being met with too much opposition and that I'm just meant to be the size I am and that I just need to deal with my health issues in a different, more medicated, way. The challenge for me is to change the approach, make the adjustments, and never, ever, stop moving in the right direction.
It's usually at about this point that I decide that my efforts are being met with too much opposition and that I'm just meant to be the size I am and that I just need to deal with my health issues in a different, more medicated, way. The challenge for me is to change the approach, make the adjustments, and never, ever, stop moving in the right direction.
One definition of frustration is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results. It's also the definition of insanity and that explains the Cymbalta. And my current state of being. I'm an old dog looking for some new tricks and I'm hoping that it's never too late to learn them.
My name is Princess of Whales, and I am a foodaholic.
Kneeds
I kneed to lose weight. I kneed to walk. And now, apparently, I kneed a new knee. Crap.
It's a running joke (pun accidental) in my office at work that I am the least active of all of my fellow employees and yet I have the least amount of aches, pains, injuries, and surgeries. Marathons, biking, walking and P90X have reeked havoc on them while I have remained injury free. My husband has always been very athletic and as a consequence, he has broken a wrist, fractured an ankle, blown out a knee, thrown up after virtually ever race he has ever run, and (every one's personal favorite when they hear the story) separated his pelvis riding a mechanical bull.
Me? It's exponentially less difficult to injure yourself while laying on a couch. I've never broken a bone. That is, until I decided to lose some weight and adopt a healthier lifestyle.
I've never been athletic, but "back in the day" I did enjoy riding a bicycle. It's so much faster than walking, and there is always a sense of reclaimed childhood when riding one. I even tried entering a bike race one time only to recognize that I have a complete lack of competive drive. As long as I rode like a kid, it was great. When I lived in Northern Utah, a friend and I used to ride our bikes 21 miles around a lake almost every morning. It was beautiful, peaceful and I really did feel good about myself. I also got ginormous thighs.
I honestly can't tell you why we stopped riding. I'm confident it wasn't because of the thighs, but I suspect I probably got pregnant or my husband's schedule changed so that he couldn't stay with the kids in the morning. As with most things that change, it's just because life happened. And as life happened, the bike got put away. It hung from the ceiling of our garage until we sold it this summer for fifty dollars. My four hundred dollar racing bike. Yeah, that's why we don't own a business.
What I didn't know was that as my husband was selling it, he was buying me a new, more practical bike for our wedding anniversary. He knew how much I loved riding a bike and how I wanted to lose some weight, but he also knew that the seat on my old bike would probably get sucked up into my behind, requiring surgery to remove it, and the skinny tires would explode the first time I mounted. Smart man.
As it turns out, that may have been more fun to watch. On my first ride around the block on my brand new bike, I popped my tailbone. No accident, no trauma, nothing dramatic at all. I got on the bike and broke my butt (and no junior high jokes here about the fact that it was already cracked...). Luckily we were able to sell that bike for just less than we paid for it. In the end, I couldn't help but think about how uninjured I'd been all those years on the couch.
This incident happened right before our anniversary trip to Grand Cayman and it was there, on the beach, that I realized that I really and absolutely needed to get some weight off. Though the doctor said my weight had nothing to do with the coccyx fracture, I secretly believe that every single ailment and life challenge I have can be directly traced to my weight. I forget that there are a lot of sick, skinny people out there. And LOTS of skinny, injured athletes. What do skinny people blame when they get sick or injured?
About now you may be asking yourself what all this bike talk has to do with my knee? I've had intermittent knee pain over the last several years and I was told that biking was an excellent exercise because it had little impact on my knee. So I tried biking again and look where it got me...back to walking. Walking reminded me that my knee hurt so I finally went to an orthopaedic doctor and he told me I have osteoarthritis, that I'm bone-to-bone on my right knee, and the only solution is a total knee replacement, something they don't like to do until you're around 65. So what does the ortho recommend to help hold it off for more than ten years? Biking. Aaaaaaaaaaargh!!!
I've been able to ride a recumbent stationery bike without much pain or discomfort so I'm trying to see the whole coccyx incident as a fluke. We'll see how that goes when I get my new bike with the giant, oversized seat like the doc recommended. The other option he offered was swimming, so it looks like I'm back in black swimsuits, conquering the water as the Princess of Whales. If you hear screams coming from Sand Hollow Aquatic, it's just the small children when Ursula slithers into the water with her broken butt and bad knee.
I kneed a break...
It's a running joke (pun accidental) in my office at work that I am the least active of all of my fellow employees and yet I have the least amount of aches, pains, injuries, and surgeries. Marathons, biking, walking and P90X have reeked havoc on them while I have remained injury free. My husband has always been very athletic and as a consequence, he has broken a wrist, fractured an ankle, blown out a knee, thrown up after virtually ever race he has ever run, and (every one's personal favorite when they hear the story) separated his pelvis riding a mechanical bull.
Me? It's exponentially less difficult to injure yourself while laying on a couch. I've never broken a bone. That is, until I decided to lose some weight and adopt a healthier lifestyle.
I've never been athletic, but "back in the day" I did enjoy riding a bicycle. It's so much faster than walking, and there is always a sense of reclaimed childhood when riding one. I even tried entering a bike race one time only to recognize that I have a complete lack of competive drive. As long as I rode like a kid, it was great. When I lived in Northern Utah, a friend and I used to ride our bikes 21 miles around a lake almost every morning. It was beautiful, peaceful and I really did feel good about myself. I also got ginormous thighs.
I honestly can't tell you why we stopped riding. I'm confident it wasn't because of the thighs, but I suspect I probably got pregnant or my husband's schedule changed so that he couldn't stay with the kids in the morning. As with most things that change, it's just because life happened. And as life happened, the bike got put away. It hung from the ceiling of our garage until we sold it this summer for fifty dollars. My four hundred dollar racing bike. Yeah, that's why we don't own a business.
What I didn't know was that as my husband was selling it, he was buying me a new, more practical bike for our wedding anniversary. He knew how much I loved riding a bike and how I wanted to lose some weight, but he also knew that the seat on my old bike would probably get sucked up into my behind, requiring surgery to remove it, and the skinny tires would explode the first time I mounted. Smart man.
As it turns out, that may have been more fun to watch. On my first ride around the block on my brand new bike, I popped my tailbone. No accident, no trauma, nothing dramatic at all. I got on the bike and broke my butt (and no junior high jokes here about the fact that it was already cracked...). Luckily we were able to sell that bike for just less than we paid for it. In the end, I couldn't help but think about how uninjured I'd been all those years on the couch.
This incident happened right before our anniversary trip to Grand Cayman and it was there, on the beach, that I realized that I really and absolutely needed to get some weight off. Though the doctor said my weight had nothing to do with the coccyx fracture, I secretly believe that every single ailment and life challenge I have can be directly traced to my weight. I forget that there are a lot of sick, skinny people out there. And LOTS of skinny, injured athletes. What do skinny people blame when they get sick or injured?
About now you may be asking yourself what all this bike talk has to do with my knee? I've had intermittent knee pain over the last several years and I was told that biking was an excellent exercise because it had little impact on my knee. So I tried biking again and look where it got me...back to walking. Walking reminded me that my knee hurt so I finally went to an orthopaedic doctor and he told me I have osteoarthritis, that I'm bone-to-bone on my right knee, and the only solution is a total knee replacement, something they don't like to do until you're around 65. So what does the ortho recommend to help hold it off for more than ten years? Biking. Aaaaaaaaaaargh!!!
I've been able to ride a recumbent stationery bike without much pain or discomfort so I'm trying to see the whole coccyx incident as a fluke. We'll see how that goes when I get my new bike with the giant, oversized seat like the doc recommended. The other option he offered was swimming, so it looks like I'm back in black swimsuits, conquering the water as the Princess of Whales. If you hear screams coming from Sand Hollow Aquatic, it's just the small children when Ursula slithers into the water with her broken butt and bad knee.
I kneed a break...
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Going Through Hell
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| What the travel brochures want you to see... (the dream) |
I love to travel, a hobby made exponentially easier and more affordable because I work part-time for an airline. I can't say that getting my job at the airline is the best thing that has ever happened to me, but I would safely put it in the Top 10. Having access to free flights (albeit with stand-by status) has been life-changing for me, to say the least. (I pontificate at the risk of being inundated with requests for buddy passes and job referrals, but I can't help you with either. Sorry.)
The challenge with this hobby is that in the airline industry (and by my own employer), I am technically referred to as a POS. No, not that. A Person Of Size. That's their nice way of saying bigger-than-our-one-size-had-better-fit-all-and-we'll-decide-what-size-everyone-should-be seats. Nobody wants to sit by the fat person, especially on a small plane, and that includes me. Especially me! So I'm always ultra-aware of my size when squeezing into an airplane seat, taking special care to stay sucked in and tucked in. And I do shower.
Of course this also means that before I squeeze my tush into a seat, I must first ask for a seat belt extender, a request that seems to bring more embarrassment to the flight attendant than it does to me. They act as if I was not aware that I was large until I began to board the plane, that I woke up skinny that morning, ate too much at one of the exquisite fine dining establishments that are airport restaurants, and suddenly and without warning ballooned to excessive proportions. It seems they feel that by giving me an extender, they are the ones to have to confirm the fact that I will not, in fact, be able to get the regular seat belt around my awesomeness. They're so discreet about passing it off to me, like school secretaries passing off tampons to pubescent students, that it's almost worse than if they just got on the loud speaker and announced that a fat chick was boarding the plane. Just give me the extender. I'm a big girl. Literally. I can handle it.
None of this stops me from getting on a plane as often as I can. I wasted far too many years worrying about what other people would think about my weight. There are countless times I didn't go places or do things because I was afraid someone might be offended by the sight of me in a swimsuit. I cringe every time I think of the times I wouldn't jump in the pool with my kids or go to a water park with them. What a waste (or in this case, waist?)!
Sadly for my fellow travelers, that is no longer the case.
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| What the travel brochures don't show you...(the reality) |
For our thirtieth anniversary of never getting divorced, my husband and I traveled to Grand Cayman this summer. I wanted to go to a beach in the Caribbean where I didn't have to worry about vendors approaching me on the beach wanting me to pay them to braid my hair. Seriously. I have about six total hairs on my head. It so wouldn't be worth paying someone.
Grand Cayman is also the location of Hell, a small rock grouping on the island that the locals thought looked like what Hell might look like. They brilliantly put in a post office and not one, but TWO gift shops adjacent to each other. They're making a fortune on tourists like us who think it's hilarious to send their missionary son a postcard from Hell. A visit to this thus-named place in paradise also seemed appropriate considering some of the experiences we have had over the years. We have a sign in our house that says "This marriage was made in Heaven - but so was thunder and lightning." To experience Heaven in Hell was too perfect. And it really was.
I've discovered the joy of bathing suits without shame, and I'm not going back.
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