Soda-licious

What is the difference between Catholics and Mormons?.......The temperature of their caffeine.

I learned the true meaning of this joke after moving from Southern California to Utah when I was ten. Back in the day (ah, yes, I've reached that age...) when you were a Mormon in Southern California, you would drink vinegar before you would let Coke or Pepsi cross your lips. Drinking alcohol was almost more acceptable. Almost. We were constantly reminded that we were examples to others with regards to how we lived the tenets of our religion and though few outside the Mormon church knew much about our belief in Christ, everybody knew Mormons don't drink alcohol, coffee, tea, or caffeinated drinks. We felt like we were always being watched, so we took our beverages very seriously.

Shortly after I turned twelve, I went to my first Young Men/Young Women (church youth) activity, a boating trip to the lake. It was July, it was hot, and I was not a lake swimmer, so while hanging out on the beach I was happy to see that cold drinks were being provided. I'm not sure you can fully appreciate my horror when I opened the cooler to find that the only drinks inside were...(dramatic pause)...Coke and Pepsi! I frantically dug through the ice, desperate to find the root beer or 7-Up I knew had to be in there. Surely someone was testing us by putting the alcoholic stuff on top just to see if we would indulge. But that was not  the case. There really was nothing else to drink. I chose to go without that day, confident that if I were to be seen drinking either of the caffeinated sodas, I would surely lead someone to he** by my example, or end up there myself.

It took me two more years before they broke me down. I can distinctly remember the very first time I knowingly tasted liquid caffeine. It was in the library at North Ogden Junior High School. Looking back, I have no idea why there was soda in the library, but I crumbled under peer pressure from the hot library aide and I had my very first taste of Coca-Cola. Ahhhh.....he** tasted yummy, but I'm embarrassed that I caved so easily when now, after all these years and for all of his hotness, I can't even remember the name of the aide. I sold my soul for nothing. The Coca-Cola led to Dr. Pepper, then Diet Dr. Pepper, then Diet Pepsi, and now Diet Cherry Pepsi. But no hot library aide.

It is amazing the lightning speed with which I went from never having had a taste of the stuff and abhorring the very thought of drinking it, to accepting it as an option. I guess that's the slippery slope I keep hearing about.

However, over the last several years, I have noticed a marked change in how I feel if I drink carbonated beverages. I get particularly sluggish and achy. I like to tell people that I'm not fat, it's just carbonation bloat. I had hoped it was just carbonated beverages with caffeine, but even non-caffeinated drinks have an effect on me. I have heard all of the horror stories about what carbonation does to your body, how it saps the calcium out of your bones and eats your innards. My youngest daughter did a science fair project titled "Meating Liquids" where she soaked pieces of meat in different liquids to see how the meat reacted. The Coke meat was just plain gross. I've read many, many articles on the PH/acid balance of your body and how carbonation affects that. But when all is said and done, most of the articles end with the same conclusion - that an occasional soda won't kill you. Occasional. Moderation. Hmmm...there are those words again.

I would love to give it up completely, but there is something I always really miss when I stop drinking soda. I'm not sure how to put this delicately or lady-like, but since neither of those words particularly apply to me, I'll just say it - there is NOTHING like the burp a good soda provides. That rolling, roiling burp that starts at your toes, travels through your entire body bringing up every possible gas trapped inside you and delivers itself in a grand operatic pronouncement - yeah, it's the bomb.com (as they would say about five years ago).

Truth be told, I love ice water, evidenced by the 100 oz. Maverik Monster Mug that is an extension of me and that holds nothing but ice water. I have an obsession with ice quality, favoring the pellet ice (aka cute ice, rabbit poop ice, Cap'n Crunch ice, happy ice...) we have at the high school and the flake ice we have at the airline. Put ice with water and it's my favorite drink. I can drink water out of virtually any tap. I am not a water snob and I refuse to pay someone to drink water out of a bottle when God gave them the water for free. But it doesn't make me burp.

So, like everything else, the challenge is to find the balance, to find a way to have an occasional soda without throwing my PH levels off, sapping all of the calcium out of my bones, dehydrating myself, or destroying my innards. Moderation with soda - a goal with a burpose (pun completely intentional).